Anti-social.

Note of the day.
The world is crashing down on me. Everything is coming to a hault as I'm hitting the fast forward button as hard as I possibly can. No matter what I do, the world won't seem to go any faster; nor any slower.
Why must I only think of myself? Am I really that self-centered?



--Anywho
I was having a talk with my dad; and he told me a bunch of things I didn't know before. Like how he wasn't around a lot when I was little. He was always at work, and the only time he got to spend with us was on Sundays. It made me cry, to be honsest.. I mean, I don't really remember because I was so little, but mainly because it explained why he's been wanting me to stay that little girl. He didn't get to watch me grow up; he was always busy. And now that he has the time to watch me grow up, I've already grown so much. He's missed a lot. I never noticed that, and now it all makes sense. To me, at least. He also was talking to me about how there are other (better) job offers in a couple different places. Do you believe he was actually talking about him going to Iraq for a job--leaving my mother, brother, and myself here; until he gets back. MAYBE. His safety isn't exactly assured. It made me quite upset. Then--he was talking about moving us all to Pennsylvania. Which I'm really considering because lately, I've been thinking:

I don't even have friends, really. I guess all I've wanted was people whom I can trust. When I can trust you--I can consider you a friend. And my trust issues are unbearable these days. I don't have any friends close to me, I don't have any friends that I can go to when I'm upset. My only actual friend happens to be Casey Leigh... One friend; who lives over 800 miles away. That's pathetic. Like I said--my unhappiness is my own fault. I shut myself off from the world because I can't stand being hurt. And that's the new trend these days. Hurt the ones who care, and love the ones who don't. I've got so much I can offer to someone--but no one will allow me to show them because they already have someone.

Anyway; back to my point. BECAUSE the fact I have no friends--it really doesn't matter if I move or not? My highschool career is not about making a ton of friends, right? It's about an education. I'm going to be going off to college; right? Who needs to be the most popular girl in school. I've moved around so much, and everywhere I've gone--everyone knows everyone and there's always one person higher that everyone else. I've come to the conclusion that I will NEVER be that person. I'm never going to be high on that list. Not everyone is going to like me, not everyone is going to know me. I shouldn't expect so much. So I guess it really doesn't matter if I moved again. It's all just going to be the same in the end. And if I really want to be that person high on the list--I have to work for it, and want it so badly; and I don't. I don't need that.

I've just decided to give up on life and everyone else and do things for myself; rather than others. I matter more to me that other people do. I don't even like people. They annoy me, they make me mad. I really just can't stand to be around people sometimes...




GOD, you people really can't even comprehend my feelings right now because no matter how bad I feel--you just won't understand because I can't even put this in words.
IF ONLY YOU KNEW....