Oh my damn, I really wish I actually had the time to write in my blog erry'day. Oh well, though.
So lately, I've been talking to this guy. <3

I don't know what it is about him, but I can't stand not being around him. He's totally not the guy I'd ever go for..

• druggie
• alcoholic
• bipolar
• anger magmental
• 19!
• homeless
• 6'4"
• BIG :D

I don't know, it's just ...crazy that I'd actually go for him. For some reason, I can't help but want him. Even through all of our fights, and arguements, and bickering, and yelling--I want him. So badly.

He's not the guy every thinks he is, though. He's really insecure, actually. And he can be a big sweetheart. I just don't know what it is about him. I really don't.

I'm starting out with a clean slate, this time--it's for real.

Okay, so you wouldn't even begin to understand my life right now. So much is going on, so much has gone on, and so much will go on. I don't comprehend how I'm even handling this right now.

My counselor agrees with me. I have a problem. A sex-addiction problem. I'm no whore, or anything--but I can't help but always feel that I need someone there. And I guess I feel that having sex is the only way to keep a guy interested. So right now, there's 1,2,3,4,5,6, ish guys that I'm dragging alone. I mean, it's obviously not fair to them--what I'm doing, I mean. But you have to understand where I'm coming from. I've been hurt way too many times and I can't stand being alone. I need someone. And then when I have that one person, they leave. And so now I have many. Too many. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to be this way.

Add to the fact that I cannot seem to get over this one guy. I'll tell you who. Jordan. I don't understand. Our only common ground is the fact that we had sex; but ...I can't seem to help that I get jealous. I like him. A lot. I don't want to. I will never, ever, ever be with him. But ...I want him. And my best friend, well he's trying to get with her, and now; she's not my best friend anymore. I guess it bothers me more that he has a girlfriend. The girl he left me for. Twice. And ..yet he's still trying to get with other girls. And they fall for it. Because that's just the type of guy he is. And I still, I fucking still fall for it. I don't want anything to do with him, but at the same time, I want everything to do with him. Why can't you just leave and never come back.

Better yet. I leave, and never come back to this whole damn town. Whole damn state. Whole damn New England. Because I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the people. Everything. I'm done. It makes me sick to think that I have to deal with this place. I'm getting out of here as soon as possible.

(I'll probably explain, in depth, everything another time; but right now, I'm too busy, and not enough time. I haven't written on here in so long. You, my dear internet, would know all about my life. But soccer season is over, and now I'm stressing about this whole drama play going on. We'll see how everything works out.)

We'll see...

Until next time; when I have more time,
I love you,
Julie < 3

Yay. Julie's back.

Okay, well.
I'm going to try to start blogging again.
TRY.

No guarantees. My life has been so hectic lately, so we'll see. I'll begin after this blog, ey?
(:

Oi...

There is something HUGE that happened; but I can't write about it because people actually read this...


>.< FML.

You don't realize what you have until you've lost it...

Why do I even care?

This blog is not about Mikey, or Manolis, or anyone. & you know what; I don't care if this hurts anyone. I'm done being the one hurt whether I try to spare your feelings or not.

I want him now more than ever. I don't understand. I could have just said that I will eventually be with you. Then you wouldn't be with her. Why didn't I just say that I didn't want you to date her. Then you wouldn't be with her. Why didn't I just say that I want you, and I need you. That I don't want you to be with any other girl. Especially her.

I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like ..I'm now worth it. I don't like that I hurt you. I don't like that I kept dragging you along. You deserve so much better. But her... Really? :/

I'll finish later?

I use to think I could have anyone.. until I met you.

I just realized that I never finished that blog about the Great Escape. Ohwell; next time.


Anyway;
I always thought that if I wanted someone bad enough, I could get them... Until now. Towards the end of UB, we started to have a thing. And at the beginning of school, well, it was going well because I'd see you in the hallways and we'd smile at one another, sometimes have a conversation... Now I don't see you in the halls, and we don't conversate; & you're even in one of my classes. Every night, I set my hopes higher than ever hoping that you will realize how much I want you. At first--I liked you; but I knew nothing could happen because your roommate was practically in love with me. You couldn't do that to him. If you couldn't do that to him from the beginning, why could you do it at the end? I set my feelings aside to save someone elses from getting completely hurt... but now I see you every single day--and it sucks because, because ...I want you. I want to be near you. I want to be with you. I want to hear your voice. I want to smell your scent. I want to be close enough to feel the warmth of your body. I dream about how your so perfect, and how I want nothing more than just to be with you.

"He's only a friend, and nothing else--
That's the lie you keeping telling yourself.
You keep on saying he's just a bud,
But deep inside, you're falling in love.
A simple glance turns into a stare,
But you pretend that you don't care.
It's "not right" for you two to be.
Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend?
Keep lying that he's just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it's "wrong" for him to know.
Your friendship can't be risked over this,
So being his girl is an impossible wish..."

Am I really as helpless as I feel?

Maybe it's just because it's the first day, or maybe it's because I'm not really the kind of person I thought I was, or maybe even because I haven't reallyreally cried in so long, but I can't help but cry. Nor can I stop. I couldn't feel more alone in this world. It seems as though highschool really is as bad as they say. If it is, then why do I see so many people happy. Why are so many people content, if not amazed, with how everything is going for them. I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't feel that way... Are other people as alone and sucluded as I am? Do other people actually feel like a loner--like I do. Why has it been so hard for me to be happy? If this is how life is always going to be--I don't want to live it. I thought I could handle this; but I can't. It's too hard, and too much for me to bare anymore. I've pretended to be happy for so long; it's time to take of that fake smile and just deal with everything. It would be so much easier if people were nice. If they weren't so judgemental and cold. I wish they realized how some people really feel. But no--this generation is all about being as self-centered as possible. People try to get close to me, but all I do is push them away when I need them more than ever. When I need someone... Someone I don't have. & it's because I push people away. I've pushed so many away I have no one left. No one but myself. I guess I'm just going to have to get use to that because I'm weaker than ever at this point and nothing can fix it...



Wanna hear about my first day of high school?
I wake up & I'm more tired then ever. I get ready, blahblahblah, and the bus comes. I'm freezing. So I have nothing to do but deal with it. I'm hoping Cody will sit with me, but Dakota does. And I kick him out, but them Cameron sits with me. Dakota might have gotten mad, but I don't care... I get to school and first thing--I'm standing in the middle of everyone, all alone. Then I go to first period and I walk in the wrong classroom.. Yay. Anyway--first period is Civics/World Geography. Not completely horrible. I liked the teacher. Second period is Yearbook. It was alright. I also like that teacher, but I felt smaller than you could imagine. Third period came along and it's Science. Mike gave me a headache & I really hate that bitch. Especially for contradicting me. Also, that period: I found out that Angie is pregnant... Woa. Well after Science, I had drama. Which was pretty decent. That hot kid named Michael is in it. Woo. He's not as hot as I thought he use to be. Welll-boring. Thennn I have lunch. Which by the way was wicked sucky because I had no one to sit with. Corey had to skip his health class because he has no classes with me and he wanted to see me, I guess. Well--that was a drag because I didn't even eat. And I was oh so hungry. Then this upperclassmen was a wicked bitch to me and inadvertently called me weird and retarded. So I went to the bathroom and just sat there until the bell rang. Off to Honors English I go... Also sucky because lets face it-it's going to be some work. Whatever. Afterwardssss, I'm off to Geometry. Caitlyn is in that class, so I know her. Kodi, Cody, and Alex were as well--people from last year. The rest, sophomores. Which there is one good thing about that. There's a wicked hot guy in there (: Caitlyn made fun of me because she apparently saw me check him out. PSH ;D I have no chance, so whatever... Oh, I didn't tell you. The teacher for my geometry is legit PSYCHOTIC. He's crazyyy. I was laughing at him alllll class period. After that class, I have Journalism. Which is mostly upperclassmen as well. Few freshies, and the few that are in there are hella preps, so I don't like them. They were all in my class last year though. >.<>.< oh--Cameron is in that class. Oi. So is Bethany. Not good because she isn't supposed to see me :O whatever. After school... I'm yet again standing in the middle of everyone ...all alone. I'm late on my bus, so they were about to leave me. & there's no seats left. Who was I supposed to sit with. No one with only one person in the seat would let me. Finallllyy I convinced Zach Merriam to let me sit with him.. :/ I just wanted to cry. Finally I get inside my house and I start bawling my eyes out. Haven't stopped since.



Goodbye, my headache hurts like hellllll.


Oh did I mention, out of the few friends I have, none of them are in any of my classes. Most of my classes have upperclassmen in them... Great.