Time to close the book; it's too late for another chapter...

Lunch today--I was practically in tears. All day today actually. Only few things kept me going... I don't think I've been this depressed in a while. I'm starting to do bad things again. :/ I can't stand who I am anymore. I despise who I am actually. I have changed so much since UB started. I'm not outgoing anymore. Jealousy has taken over my life. I'm a liar. I'm a cheater. I'm not trustful. I don't open up anymore. I'm annoying. I just am not who I use to be. Now--I keep to myself. I don't trust anyone. I don't let anyone in. I hold back. I don't tell anyone my life story. I'm not an open book. I have no true friends. I barely have any at all. And the friends I do have--aren't even that close to me. They're just someone who is there. I can't break out of this habbit. I'm dazed and confused. With nothing left to hold on to. No shoulder to cry on. No person to talk to. I just want to crawl into a dark corner all by myself, cry until I have nothing to cry about anymore. No more water to produce the tears. And I just never want to come out. I feel as if the world is against me. I have no one who understands me. No one to relate to. And no one would care. No one would say a word if I just disappeared.

God, as I'm writing this--I'm thinking back to when I use to say this. When I use to be depressed. When I always did the wrong thing and nothing or anyone could stop me. Then I decided I didn't want to be depressed anymore. I wanted nothing more than to break out of that habbit and become happy. Just like everybody else. I realized that I was completely stupid for hating my life. For hating myself. For hating everyone around me. Because I had nothing to be unappreciative about. And so I reached my goal and I was happy. I loved everything. Hate was like a nonexsistant word in my vocabulary. Slowly, it's showing up again and I don't know what to do. I don't want to end up where I was but I feel like I have no choice.


Listen to me--I sound pathetic. I pity the people felt bad for themselves. That were depressed. You never really understand what that person in going through so you just feel bad. Or believe they're too pathetic for feeling bad for themselves that they deserve to die. But in all honesty... No one. And I do mean no one. Understands that unless you are in that exact same position. And even then--you can't relate to exactly what they're going through. So it's hard to understand. It's hard to try to relate. And that's where judgements come in play...


I'll finish later.
When I'm home. Cause I FINALLLYYYY get to go home. Which is exactly what I need... :/
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