Am I really as helpless as I feel?

Maybe it's just because it's the first day, or maybe it's because I'm not really the kind of person I thought I was, or maybe even because I haven't reallyreally cried in so long, but I can't help but cry. Nor can I stop. I couldn't feel more alone in this world. It seems as though highschool really is as bad as they say. If it is, then why do I see so many people happy. Why are so many people content, if not amazed, with how everything is going for them. I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't feel that way... Are other people as alone and sucluded as I am? Do other people actually feel like a loner--like I do. Why has it been so hard for me to be happy? If this is how life is always going to be--I don't want to live it. I thought I could handle this; but I can't. It's too hard, and too much for me to bare anymore. I've pretended to be happy for so long; it's time to take of that fake smile and just deal with everything. It would be so much easier if people were nice. If they weren't so judgemental and cold. I wish they realized how some people really feel. But no--this generation is all about being as self-centered as possible. People try to get close to me, but all I do is push them away when I need them more than ever. When I need someone... Someone I don't have. & it's because I push people away. I've pushed so many away I have no one left. No one but myself. I guess I'm just going to have to get use to that because I'm weaker than ever at this point and nothing can fix it...



Wanna hear about my first day of high school?
I wake up & I'm more tired then ever. I get ready, blahblahblah, and the bus comes. I'm freezing. So I have nothing to do but deal with it. I'm hoping Cody will sit with me, but Dakota does. And I kick him out, but them Cameron sits with me. Dakota might have gotten mad, but I don't care... I get to school and first thing--I'm standing in the middle of everyone, all alone. Then I go to first period and I walk in the wrong classroom.. Yay. Anyway--first period is Civics/World Geography. Not completely horrible. I liked the teacher. Second period is Yearbook. It was alright. I also like that teacher, but I felt smaller than you could imagine. Third period came along and it's Science. Mike gave me a headache & I really hate that bitch. Especially for contradicting me. Also, that period: I found out that Angie is pregnant... Woa. Well after Science, I had drama. Which was pretty decent. That hot kid named Michael is in it. Woo. He's not as hot as I thought he use to be. Welll-boring. Thennn I have lunch. Which by the way was wicked sucky because I had no one to sit with. Corey had to skip his health class because he has no classes with me and he wanted to see me, I guess. Well--that was a drag because I didn't even eat. And I was oh so hungry. Then this upperclassmen was a wicked bitch to me and inadvertently called me weird and retarded. So I went to the bathroom and just sat there until the bell rang. Off to Honors English I go... Also sucky because lets face it-it's going to be some work. Whatever. Afterwardssss, I'm off to Geometry. Caitlyn is in that class, so I know her. Kodi, Cody, and Alex were as well--people from last year. The rest, sophomores. Which there is one good thing about that. There's a wicked hot guy in there (: Caitlyn made fun of me because she apparently saw me check him out. PSH ;D I have no chance, so whatever... Oh, I didn't tell you. The teacher for my geometry is legit PSYCHOTIC. He's crazyyy. I was laughing at him alllll class period. After that class, I have Journalism. Which is mostly upperclassmen as well. Few freshies, and the few that are in there are hella preps, so I don't like them. They were all in my class last year though. >.<>.< oh--Cameron is in that class. Oi. So is Bethany. Not good because she isn't supposed to see me :O whatever. After school... I'm yet again standing in the middle of everyone ...all alone. I'm late on my bus, so they were about to leave me. & there's no seats left. Who was I supposed to sit with. No one with only one person in the seat would let me. Finallllyy I convinced Zach Merriam to let me sit with him.. :/ I just wanted to cry. Finally I get inside my house and I start bawling my eyes out. Haven't stopped since.



Goodbye, my headache hurts like hellllll.


Oh did I mention, out of the few friends I have, none of them are in any of my classes. Most of my classes have upperclassmen in them... Great.